Thursday, April 30, 2009

Totally Confused

This week a few things have happened to make me question, again, why I stay in this relationship with Brian. I do love him. I care a lot about him, I have waited 30 months so far for him, and I have about 12 months and a few weeks more to go. Yet, I am so tired of it I want to just throw in the towel. Not so much that I am tired of waiting, because I can wait for true love. But it's the anxiety that this is not the first time we've been down this road, who's to say that he is done with using dope? He certainly claims that he's done, but he's said it in the past.

Sometimes I feel like I have a 1000 lb anchor tied to me while I'm trying to hold up a job, a home and 2 kids, and then holding on to the bottom of the anchor is Brian. When all is said and done we will have been together for 12 years and out of those 12 years 7 of them he's been locked up. He's a work-a-holic when he is out and he's putting in 60-70 hours per week, and then there is the time he spends with the kids and his family and time is so small. I feel like we have had a lot of good times, but far more bad times. I'm sure that this is what outsiders see.

I have been through enough, I don't know if I can make it another 12 months. There are opportunities all around me where other men are interested in me, it's a great ego boost. Yet, I still feel like I'm letting everyone down if I left him now. I made a commitment to him and my children that I would wait....but what about me? What about my happiness? I want someone who WILL be there, who I don't have to worry about the next shoe dropping. Am I wrong, do I need to keep on this roller-coaster ride?

I will say that I do see a huge change in him. I see that he's really committed himself to a lifestyle of righteousness, and I see that he's let go of a lot of the addictive habits. There are plenty of drugs in prison, and he's quit all forms of tobacco as well. He studies scripture, and he's realized his self worth I think. But I can't predict the future.

I guess the question I need to ask myself is:
1) If you don't wait will you regret it and wish that you had if he's happy in another relationship? 2) Are you willing to put up with the unknown and take the risk that he might relapse again? And if he does, can you live with the fact that you waited in vain?

Any advise from anyone out there is much appreciated.


Anonymous said...

First, You are an amzaing woman! I completely understand. It is a battle between your heart and logic. You have 12 years into this relatioship, and only you can make the decision. You know in your heart what your decision is. It's just frustrating, and lonely.

Second, do not stay with him because he is the father of your children. I made that mistake, and it only hurt my daughter. When you are mentally ready to let go and find happiness, I swear that it will not hurt to see him with another woman. You will not long for what could have been.

Third, no promises! Addicition is tough. It's easy while he is in, but outside life is another story.
It's all in his hands. Free will!

My heart just breaks for you. I know it's not easy. Just take care of yourself. Your answers will all come to you when the time is right.

Good Luck!

babyblue said...

Oh how you take the words right out of my mout - D and I have been married for 3.5 and only had a very small part of that together - I have gone to visit twice in the past 8 months with all intentions of calling it quits ... but it comes down to that I love him and I know it will always be a "what if" if I don't see this through ... we still have our rough patches (like this past weeks phone call he hung up on me) but then I get letters to explain why and visit we'll talk about it all.

I often think of how it would be without him, I know for one thing I would most likely be in South Carolina and not here in AZ ... but that's a whole other story!!!

Keep your chin up, listen to your heart and pray.

miss_my_baby said...

Sweetie hang in there - I think you're doing the right thing by standing by him! I think God is making sure that this is his last vacation with DOC by putting him through such tough trials. Things are all falling into place and I think this budget crisis is going to be good to us!

I'm still writing and calling the legislators and I've been getting such great responses back from some of them.

I wanted to share this one with you...

I do not support increasing taxes in this tough economy so the governor will NOT have my support. Many of the things you mentioned, such as releasing non-violent offenders, is included in our current budget. We are doing all we can to get the state out of this budget crisis, including reforming many aspects of state government, to include AHCCCS and DES to dramatically reduce fraud and wasteful spending.

Keep in mind the previous legislature and governor increased spending, even in the face of declining revenue. So far the current legislature has cut spending by $500 Million and will is poised to reduce spending another $600 Million. That $1.1 Billion reduction in spending equates to a 13% over all decrease in the state budget and a dramatic reduction in the size of government. The largest reduction in our state's 97 year history.

Frank Antenori

Sorry I didn't call this weekend - I just plain forgot... :-( oops!

Keep faith!