This week a few things have happened to make me question, again, why I stay in this relationship with Brian. I do love him. I care a lot about him, I have waited 30 months so far for him, and I have about 12 months and a few weeks more to go. Yet, I am so tired of it I want to just throw in the towel. Not so much that I am tired of waiting, because I can wait for true love. But it's the anxiety that this is not the first time we've been down this road, who's to say that he is done with using dope? He certainly claims that he's done, but he's said it in the past.
Sometimes I feel like I have a 1000 lb anchor tied to me while I'm trying to hold up a job, a home and 2 kids, and then holding on to the bottom of the anchor is Brian. When all is said and done we will have been together for 12 years and out of those 12 years 7 of them he's been locked up. He's a work-a-holic when he is out and he's putting in 60-70 hours per week, and then there is the time he spends with the kids and his family and friends...my time is so small. I feel like we have had a lot of good times, but far more bad times. I'm sure that this is what outsiders see.
I have been through enough, I don't know if I can make it another 12 months. There are opportunities all around me where other men are interested in me, it's a great ego boost. Yet, I still feel like I'm letting everyone down if I left him now. I made a commitment to him and my children that I would wait....but what about me? What about my happiness? I want someone who WILL be there, who I don't have to worry about the next shoe dropping. Am I wrong, do I need to keep on this roller-coaster ride?
I will say that I do see a huge change in him. I see that he's really committed himself to a lifestyle of righteousness, and I see that he's let go of a lot of the addictive habits. There are plenty of drugs in prison, and he's quit all forms of tobacco as well. He studies scripture, and he's realized his self worth I think. But I can't predict the future.
I guess the question I need to ask myself is:
1) If you don't wait will you regret it and wish that you had if he's happy in another relationship? 2) Are you willing to put up with the unknown and take the risk that he might relapse again? And if he does, can you live with the fact that you waited in vain?
Any advise from anyone out there is much appreciated.