Monday, April 27, 2009

The First Visit After SMU Jan 9th 2009

I couldn't sleep Friday night, but 2 hours. I hadn't touched Brian in over five months, and I was going to see him the next day. I was tired and so were the kids, so the visit seemed very emotional. After not touching, hugging, and my kids not seeing Dad but twice, he was pulled in many directions and didn't know how to give us all the attention that we all have craved from him. I cried my eyelashes off (but what's new) only because of our son's reaction. He is 10, and was unusually stand offish to his father Saturday, he was holding back the tears as he looked away or sulked his head down. I whispered to him to tell his dad what he was feeling, and to not hold back. Say what he felt and let it out. And boy did he! It was a much needed release that he had been holding in I believe for years.

Brian is a work-a-holic, as well as a binge user he will go years without using but he will work until 10 just to close a deal. He put us first financially, but wasn't there as much as we all needed him to be. He'd get burnt out and then relapse and that was the usual pattern. My son told him many things, one was that he wanted a promise that Brian would be there from now on, and that he was jealous of the other kids in the neighborhood, school, church ect. that had their dads home. It touched Brian in a way that I felt he needed to experience.

Although, many thoughts were racing through my a mother I want to protect my child, I don't want him to be sad or hurt...My dad died when I was 13, and I wouldn't want that pain wished on nobody. I wondered had I made a bad decision to try and keep our family together? Should I had left him the first time? Am I doing the right thing? Maybe I should leave now, and not look I taking too big of a risk? Am I staying for the right reasons...UGH...I just couldn't pull my thoughts together as to what I had done to my son.

Then it dawned on me. I had not done anything. It was Brian who had the problem, not me. My feelings turned to anger that this man had done this to my baby, that his choices had taken him away from his child. How? How can one choice to either use or not use be so difficult? So much that one tiny piece of white substance can do such harm? I was angry at him...I had waited close to 5 months to have this visit. To hold him and kiss him and spend time with him, and now it had turned into a visit I didn't want to even be at.

It was nearing 4 o'clock and I just wanted to leave. Take the kids and not come back. I didn't even kiss him good bye. How awful is that? I wanted so badly to kiss him all this time...and I pushed him away. I left sobbing, angry, and confused, sad, and hurt. My kids asking if we were going back tomorrow, and I snapped back "I don't think so!"

He called me on my way home and I explained what I was feeling, and he told me how truly sorry he was, and that he had never felt like such an ass in his entire life (that was not my goal) I love him so much...I don't want my selfish feelings to want him, hurt our children. That is when my son told me that he was appreciative of me for trying to make it work and keep our family together, and that he knew it was hard for me to do, but that he loved his dad and would always love him. And that he was OK. So I felt much better, that my little 10 year old recognized this. He's so smart and observant.

We all agreed that we were tired, anxious, and overstimulated emotionally that we would get some good sleep Sat night and have a re-do visit on Sunday. Brian told me things that he had never expressed about his feelings toward our daughter vaiing for all his attention either negative or positive, and that he knew this was his fault. But how could he tell her no? Push her away when she gets in between our son and him or me and him, when all she wants is the love and attention that only he can't give her. I could see his point. He said that if someone told him he could come home to us today but he would have to walk bare footed on his hands and knees over broken glass to come home to us, he'd gladly do it twice, and that he'd never leave us ever again. He promised that this was for real that even all that we have been though , he has never been as happy as he is other than when he is with me and the kids. We are his reason for breathing. I believe him. I have always believed in him.

We hung up much better since the kids agreed that daddy and I could have a few minutes here and there without interruption, they promised they wouldn't fight, and that they would be happy and we'd have fun....That is just what we did! We had one of the best family visits on Sunday I think we have ever had.

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