Monday, April 13, 2009

This Is Not My Life!!

I wonder sometimes when I'm going to wake up and realize that this was just a bad dream. That loosing out on so much because of one man's choice it's MY reality. You throw a pebble into a pond and the ripples affect the entire body of water. I think I'm having the hardest time with the fact that I am 32 years old, that I am in the prime of my life, and I should be in a better place. I was in a better place until Brian choose to screw it up for me. I know I choose to stay and wait for him, and that's my choice so I shouldn't complain. But I live with that choice everyday, contemplating if it was the right or wrong choice. I worked very hard to get to where I am at in my life, and to have someone holding me back drives me insane. I deserve better than this I know that for sure, but how do you escape? You don't. No matter what I do Brian will be the father of my children, he will be the love of my life, he will be the one I will always want to be with. What is one more year? One more year alone, one more year of one income, one more year of no intimacy, one more year of prison....that's just one more year too long.

I haven't been to visit Brian in what seems to be a month now. And I can tell that I am loosing focus on us. As much as I want to put this world behind me I tend to shut him out. I guess that's par for the course. I know that we will endure this until the end, I just hope that the end is near.

One thing is for 100% certain, I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN! I will not deal with prison ever again, or will I allow him to take me down this path once more. He ever leaves ONE night, or he relapses ONE time. I'M DONE! Mark my words.

I have too many good things to offer a man here is my mom's list but maybe she is partial:
I am a GREAT mother, I take good care of my home, I am pretty, I take good care of myself, I am smart, I have a good job, I am responsible, I don't over indulge, I am a GREAT cook, I am handy and can do just about anything around the house, I'm not a goody-goody but I have high morals and standards, and I am loyal and forgiving to a fault.

So, I guess I do believe these things are true as well, and I know that Brian sees what a good thing he has...but eve when you got it good addiction can be stronger than any good thing you have. I have to pray that he really sees that this is it for him, he has no other chances at life with me or his kids if he falls off the wagon. It's totally up to him....and I can't say yet that I fully trust him with this. I'm not afraid, because I know that I can do all this on my own and I know that I can move on if I have to. But I just want the trust re-built. Unfortunately, you can't build it while someone is in prison.

I have a strong feeling that I will not be dealing with prison for very much longer. Cross your fingers for me and say a little prayer. The poor AZ economy might just be good for us this year!!


WickedGoddess said...

I am with you on the never doing this again part. I have already told my husband that this is a one time thing. If he messes up again, I'm out.
I don't know you but can tell from your posts that you are all those things your mom said and then some. You do deserve much better. It sucks that we can't chose who we love. My fingers are crossed with yours in hopes that the budget makes them release our men early!

Anonymous said...

I cannot say that I disagree with you. I am an rSo in Tx. no matter what the crime is, if one of us relapses, that person is NOT wanting to change their life. Do Not Put up with the BS. He owes you alot, you owe him nothing; not even a second chance. So any love, pity, sorry you feel for him is gravy on his being able to see you and the children. If he screws up once, then you know what all of that was worth to him.