As I lie here tonight in an empty bed, my children tucked away in their rooms asleep I think of all that I am missing right now. As my husband is locked in his cell, I know he is thinking the same thing. Where did this go wrong, I let them down, they deserve so much better. But we're lost without eachother.
As you go home at the end of your shift, home to your wife and your children don't forget that my husband used to get to do that same thing too. Don't forget that he was a loving father, and a sweet husband that needs his family too. Just because he's in prison, doesn't make him any less of a person.
Think about how I as a mother and wife must feel, how I hold it together while he is locked up. How I have to be mommy and daddy. Don't you know that my husband wants to be here for me? Don't you know that he had a momentary lack of judgement...it happens to the best of us. We're not perfect. You're not perfect. Treating my husband like a sub-human is not necessary! Think about me, the one that loves this man, who cares about his treatment, who cares that he gets the necessary contact between him and his family. I need him too, it's not just for his benefit. I for one, am as free as you my friend. I pay taxes just like you, but yet who do you think suffers the most. Go ahead and put it back on my husband YES he committed a crime, YES he is doing his time. Isn't that enough for you?? Is is necessary to use excessive force on a man who's never been a threat during his time? Taking all that I have sent him? And refusing to do anything about it? Time. Time. Time. Time. Oh yes I have all the time in the world to wait to see what happens next!! No I don't!! You've taken enough time from us. When will enough be enough??
Don't forget that as I cry nightly missing my husband, as I work ungodly hours to compensate for the lack of his usual six figure income. As I strive to be a mother that has breakfasts' to cook, dinner to fix, homework assignments to check, laundry to do, a 9 yr old son in football, orchestra, and Cub Scouts, a 7 yr old daughter taking Spanish classes, piano lessons, and dance classes. As I take my weekend Satudays to drive hours to maintain my family relationship and spend an extra $300 per month to do this. Let's not even mention the time I spend for Church functions, and activites and volunteering in the community for prisoner and family rights. Is he worth it....YOU BET! My visits are my time to breathe to feel complete again to feel that my family is fianally together after the busy and stressful week I've had. Think about that! Did you ever think that by making visiting more difficult you are adding to the already HUGE burden we have to deal with?? It's MY TIME TOO!
I wish that for just once DOC would be compassionate to the women that love, that love no matter what. That we had a life prior to this and we will have a life after this too. Our lives do not stop while our men are in prison. Why make it harder on us by all the petty details that don't really matter. Is it not enough that our men are gone?
As I lie here I imagine me back in his arms again...back to our normal routine. Making love at night, History Channel on at 2 am, him eating Entimens Chocolate Doughnuts, kissing him goodnight, kissing me good morning, watching him primp in the mirror before work, his sweet smell on my cheek after kissing me good bye for the day, his dozen or so calls to me throughout the day telling me of his random thoughts....meeting for lunch. Fun time with family on weekends. Alone with him at night wrapped up in a blanket out side by the fire place with a bottle of wine he'd picked up on his way home. We too had a life before all of this.
So Mr COIII, Ms Director, Mrs Deputy Warden...when you call the shots and you make policies and procedures, please don't forget about ME.
Other thoughts in relation to comments I received:
Don't think for a MINUTE that I have not blamed him...cursed him, left him half way at visitation, even with all the good there is the bad. Had my husband not had an addiction issue...I know for a fact he'd NOT be in prison. So, yeah....I won't forget the nights he wouldn't come home because he was ashamed of what he'd done, no I won't forget picking up from Jail seeing him detox worrying about if he'd loose his job this time...for God sakes I even divorced the man when it was just more than I could take. But I have had WAY more good with my husband than I have ever had it bad....so I choose to let the past be just that. THE PAST. I have learned to forgive him, and see that our love can make it through anything. I choose not to continually bring up what he did, I choose not to drudge up the past, I can't change what he did. He's there and there is nothing I can do about that right now but holding on to the anger and hurt what good does that do it's like drinking a poison and trying to kill the other person.....BUT DAMN DOC doesn't need to make it harder on than it ALREADY is!!!
This is my perspective to DOC not to my husband. I'm not blaming DOC for holding him there. I'm upset at how they treat the family support as less than important.
I think the whole point is...is that.....
PRISON SUCKS! & IT SUCKS FOR EVERYONE!!
I don't even blame DOC for him BEING there. He did that. DOC's policies are what's frustrating to me. Some make good sence, while other things I just want to kick, scream and fight about.
When guards make us go to our cars and change.....twice....because they can't seem to be consistant with their visitation dress codes. Or the dog sniffs your butt and you haven't got a thing on you...yet they suspend your visits for 90 days....they loose visitation paperwork....they throw kites away....they don't give your man sound medical treatment and he get's worse.....they assault your man and nothing is done about it....they leave him out in the rec cage for 2 days with no water....they take forever and a year to get the phones turned on.....they jack up the prices of crappy vending machine food....and the store prices are not in proportion to their state pay....they tell you at 2:01 that "Ooopps you got here too late you can't visit" after driving across country 36 hours.....they fail to have toilet paper and paper towles at visitation.....they can't seem to get that far right vending machine to ever NOT be OUT OF ORDER!!...They don't put up shade over the picinic tables in 120 degree weather....they make you wait in the visitation room 30 extra minutes because the CO is too lazy to get up off her ass and tell him he has a visit.....they shake your man's house down because his neighbor is causing problems so he'll retaliate against his neighbor, and they leave all the stuff you took the time to mail on the ground for him to gather up while they walk all over it....they retaliate on your man if you call and bitch about it....they hold property that you've sent in that you know full well is allowed in....OMG I could go on and on about...they hold visitation on the weekdays for some units....the holiday schedule is all screwed up.....the phone calls get cut off if the wind blows the wrong direction....mail get's lost and then all of the sudden you'll get a letter that's like weeks old.....your collarbone is showing, your shirt's too see through, your pants are the wrong color, your ID expired, your bra beeped.....turn around jump around pick a bail of cotton!! What more do can they throw at us....BRING IT ON!!
Serioulsy...how hard is it to fix these minor issues....that cause us extra, unnecessary greif!! CRIPES!
What else have you experienced that brought YOU unnecessary grief?