This day I took off from work to enjoy a 4 day weekend with my children and possibly go down to Tucson and see Brian. I could visit him Sat, Sun and Mon but the finances are just not there right now to support the $40 a day vending machine habit my children and my husband seem to have acquired. Let alone the $30 round trip gas fare. That would be about $150 this weekend and I just don't have it. I will go Monday $70 is more affordable. I did turn the phones back on so we are talking again. We went about a month of no phone calls, and that's hard on our relationship. I tend to wander and he tends to get irritated and mean and his cellies start to make comments like, "Bro, she's left you....she just isn't sticking around man, you can't think about the outside" I'm sure he's not nice to be around if he's not getting visits, phone calls or mail from me. I'm just so busy with work and life and May seemed to be one of those crazy busy months where something or another was scheduled every day.
A really close family friend passed away from a very aggressive pancreatic cancer. He was only 52. I loved this man dearly, he has known my dad practically all his life, and of course he's known me since before I was even thought of! Joey Mortensen is his name and I will always have a special place in my heart for him. I am going to his viewing tonight, and his funeral is tomorrow, so I couldn't have visited Saturday even if I did have the funds.
Right now in times of sadness and with the death of a loved one really makes me want to have Bri home....I need him to comfort me at the funeral especially. I don't like being alone.
On the brighter side, Brian and I celebrate this Monday our year to the gate! His release date is on Memorial Day2010 so we will still have to wait one more day for his release on Tuesday. That really irks me. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it anyway, at least he will be home.
I'm thinking about planning a wedding for us...a renewal of our vows, we are legally divorced and I want to start fresh. I want to get married to him again. Our first wedding was a shotgun wedding and I was 4 months pregnant and wore a navy blue and white polk-a-dot dress, not your idea of a white wedding with cake and a photographer. We had no guests other than immediate family; mom, his mom, my sister and that's about it. I want the whole shebang this time. A girls dream is to have a traditional wedding and I want it, I really want it!
I am ready to stop peeking over the fence to see if the grass is greener. I've decided that even if the grass is greener, I like my lawn just the way it is. It's green in patches, and trampled on in others, there are a few weeds but nothing like a good weed killer or labor to pull them out, we all hope that weeds don't grow back but sometimes they do and you have to pull them again and again, but eventually you can accept that you have to have it maintained. I have two beautiful rose bushes that we planted 10 years ago and they keep blooming everyday. I can see that if I choose that greener path those bushes might stop producing roses and replanting them in a new yard would shock them and and it's just too much of a risk to let that happen. We have finally hired the best Gardner, He is like no other and He promises that He will keep this lawn fertilized, free of weeds, and says that He can mend the parts that are trampled on. We both trust Him that He will do His work, so long that we call on Him, and we have and that garden is looking more and more beautiful everyday. I can't wait to sit back and enjoy my garden when it's fully bloomed but without Brian there to enjoy it with me it just wouldn't be the same. I love this man, no matter what. I love him in spite of not because of. Unconditionally, I love him.